GOURD ECONOMICS

This morning I awoke with a grand plan to fix the economy. I think it is something that will yield bipartisan support in both houses of Congress thus there will be no long drawn out arguments as there was with the passing of Obama-Care and the Stimulus Package. This idea has international overtones there it should strengthen our position in the world and immediately create a new bargaining chip that may approach the strength of a nuclear arsenal. It will also put people back to work which will drive the domestic economic engine, raise the GDP, and start us on the road to recovery in terms of reducing the national debt.

Friends, I speak of attempting something totally new and different on the agricultural frontier of America. I am talking about raising gourds and selling them on the world-wide markets just like pork bellies. That’s right, those farmers out there currently raising corn and soybeans could rapidly convert to this new high yield crop for which the supply must be in dire shortage for, to my knowledge, there currently are no gourd farms in America, or in the world for that matter. The opportunity is sitting there and no one has of yet taken advantage of it. We can get in on the ground floor and run with this thing long before the others have figured it out.

Now wait, you might say. Like me, you have begun to give this some thought and realized there are very limited uses of gourds in the world economy. I will concede that mankind has been remiss in finding effective uses for the gourd. Thus far, using them as bird houses and converting them into dipper for the drinking water bucket has been the mainstream use of the product. They can also be dried out allowing the seeds to harden, then painted in bright colors, and used as musical instruments. But don’t you see, we have only begun to discover the depth of use to which we can apply the gourd. Once we have given it due consideration, the uses may be endless thus driving the demand for the green gourds through the roof. Farmers will not be ready if they do not prepare now and start learning the best practices of good gourd raising.

Many years ago, a famous comedian and theologian by the name of Brother Dave Gardner suggested gourd farming as a viable alternative to truly working in our society. Of course, his points were made in the late 50’s and early 1960’s far too much in advance of man’s ability to absorb such a suggestion into his futuristic thinking. Now that technology has marched forwarded; now that mankind has been to the Moon and back and explored the far reaches of space, we are ready to consider the potential value of the gourd in our lives. We are ready for new uses. We are ready for the prosperity it will bring to us. The time for the gourd has come.

Now Brother Dave suggested that a good way to get gourd farming off to a quick start was to send a good ole boy from down south up to one of them Manhattan bars along Wall Street. He could stand around there drinking buttermilk in his overalls until some of those high-up Wall Street types inquired as to what his business was. Then he would spring it on them. He would announce that he was a “gourd-trader” and he was up in New York to make at deal there at UN to distribute gourds throughout the world. He would whisper to these gentlemen that they must keep their mount shut as this was a matter of national security. If the Chinese got wind that the Russians were working to get their hands on the world’s gourd supply, they would go nuts and start trying to buy the up themselves. Of course this would drive gourd prices through the roof and set off an unparalleled era of inflation in the economy. Things might get out of hand. It must be handled very careful to allow time for the supply chain to form.

Since that time, Russia has fallen on hard times and may not be a contender in the world race to acquire control of the gourd inventory of the world. China will certainly want to get in on it as will Japan. We can also expect that rogue nations such as North Korea and Iran will be doing their dead level best to raise wild gourds in the hope that they can be somehow used in their production of nuclear materials. No one knows at the present if the gourd has nuclear capabilities thus we must be extremely careful with regard to who get their hands on them. Certainly, this need to closely control the gourd will set off a black market and allow opportunist to make oodles and gobs of money selling gourds illegally. We must minimize this element if we are to keep America and the rest of the world safe. There is currently some speculation that shows gourds totally displacing the current illegal drug trade globally. Some contend that the gourd seed may be one of the most powerful stimulants known to man once it has been properly processed.

Now, it does not take a rocket scientist to see that we are on a very slippery slope here. The gourd, while admittedly possessing great economic potentially globally, also projects a sinister side that could be an absolute disaster if allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Congress will have to act quickly and pass effective legislation designed to monitor and manage those involved with not only the process of producing gourds but also those who manage the inventory storage and distribution of the products worldwide. Every single gourd produced from the farms of America will have to be tracked and accounted for from start to finish if we are to employ the true benefits of the gourd without risking the dangers of its unknown capabilities when controlled by sinister minds of the world.

When questioned on the potential of the gourd with regard to the environmental use, former Vice-President and Nobel Prize Laureate, Al Gore, actually got excited. He admitted that one of his many carbon-credit companies is now busily investigating setting up regional gourd silos around America. Gore believes the pulp in the gourd can be used to create a wash which will neutralize the carbons released into the atmosphere. Gore adds that the gourd may possess the singular ability to help stem the potential runaway tides that he has projected as a result of global-warming. Gore stipulates that gourds will become the mainstay of his environmental platform for America.

President Obama has already announced that he will formally add a Gourd Czar to oversee all aspects of the gourd industry. Although there will be overlap, the Department of Agriculture has already conceded that it is not structured or geared to handle the management of a product with this much potential in the marketplace. The President foresees an independent organization under the auspices of the Gourd Czar which will take on this vital roll within the Federal Government.

Congress will establish grants for further scientific research on the gourd and a Gourd Think Tank will be established at Harvard University to explore both the uses and the methodology for processing the gourd and all of its natural bi-products. Some economists project the impact of the gourd industry to expand the U.S. Economy by at least 25% and influence that of the global economy by more than 10%. This is phenomenal news considering the fact that scientists have not even scratched to potential uses for the gourd.

We live in some exciting times in America. Here we have been sitting and bemoaning the hard times that have befallen our nation only to suddenly realize that we are all sitting on a potential gold mine if only we will get out our seed and our plows and begin raising gourds on all the available land that we have in our possession. Do not waste another second, get your overalls on, and get out there in the fields and start raising gourds. It’s your choice America!

　

　

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