WAS THE LONE RANGER GAY?
76
By: Wayne Brown
(WRITER’S NOTE: This piece was written in response to an unofficial Hub-Test launched by the sick mind of Stan Fletcher to see who could take his genius subject lines and turn them into hubs. As soon as I found out that a Dairy Queen Blizzard was at stake, I was in!)
Being a baby-boomer boy raised on black and white television much of my young life, I am easily attracted to some of the early old west figures in both true and mythical form. Thus, I was immediately drawn to the subject of the Lone Ranger as I have watched many episodes of the show in my years. Admittedly, I had never considered the Ranger from a gay perspective and more or less accepted his purpose in life to be identifying those who would do harm and route them from the territory. As I studied things a bit more closely from a new perspective, certain observations and details arise that are quite troubling on first glance I must admit.
Let’s start with the clothes. No one can argue that the Ranger did not like tight pants. They were obviously custom fitted right down to the way they tapered down into the tops of his high-rise black patton leather boots. His shirt was cut from the same matching cloth of his pants complete with fancy tops on the pockets over each breast section. The Ranger wore a tightly tied red bandana around his neck that flared out and contrasted well with the silver of his shirt and pants. The bandana contrasted the black color of the black ball-mask he always wore. His hat was of the true western cut with a large brim and was of a silvery-white color more in match with the color of his horse and highlighted by a large hatband encrusted with silver medallions. Honestly, looking at the entire outfit one quickly concludes that a dusting of glitter would have enticed even the stylish eye of Liberace.
Don’t forget the guns. The ranger wore a double-holster configuration of black coordinated leather which worked well with the mask, bandana, and boots. Like the hat band, the holsters and attached belt were trimmed and encrusted with works of silver metal medallions. The two pistols are totally plated in a silver etched finish and are replete with their stylish white pearl handles. Honestly, on a moonlit night, this guy must have shined like a diamond in a goat’s ass.
Then there is Silver, the Ranger’s trusty steed who himself was cast in glowing white from head to tale as if Earl Shieb has just run him through his paint booth on the 29.95 deal. I can see Earl on television now going, “I’ll paint any horse white for just $29.95!”. Silver’s saddle, bridle and accessories were carefully coordinated in black leather to match the accents of the Ranger’s outfit blending beautifully again with the boots, bandana, and mask. The saddle was tooled with enough silver to buy drinks for everyone and have money left over for an early morning breakfast. With the Ranger in the saddle upon the back of Silver, the overall look was one that could make the “Electric Cowboy” blush. No wonder the man was so prone to rear the horse and yell, “Hi Ho Silver!”
One of the other things that quickly brings a dark shade to this entire line of behavior is being reminded that this is a man who sleeps out in the rocks with an Indian every night snuggled closely by the flickering light of a small romantic campfire. I have visions of “Brokeback Mountain” just considering that scene. Now I find myself wondering if everyone slept on one saddle.
Come to think of it, the Ranger’s Indian companion, as he was so often referred to, did have some gender leanings that seemed a bit off the mark. He wore his hair much like an Indian squaw might with it combed down straight and adorned by a simple head band. The dude wore buckskins too much like Dennis Hopper in “Easy Rider”. In contrast to the Ranger, his style was more muted and soft-spoken thus I must think that Tonto is likely the more sensitive side of this companion-relationship.
You might also remember that there was a running pattern in all the shows. After a night of camping, the Ranger would normally come up with some tall tale of outlaw carnage that required Tonto to ride into town. Normally, it would not be too very long after his arrival in town that Tonto would begin to be abused by either the outlaws or the locals.
This makes me wonder now if Tonto was into some kind of fantasy thing in which he acted out those S&M thoughts in the real world all the time knowing that the Ranger would ride to his rescue and take him back to the rocks for another night of camping. There seems no other explanation that holds much water except possibly that the Ranger liked to fool around with a lot of different dudes so he would send Tonto into town to troll for the next one. Tonto was both a lover and a pimp in that scenario. I mean what the hell does “Kemo-Saba” mean anyway?
All the Rangers bullets were silver. He made them himself. I noticed that he loved to pass them out to folks as if they were some kind of calling card with a flash. He would take one in his black gloved hand and place it in the hands of men in town…kind of slipping them the silver bullet sort of thing. He always claimed they would know who he was when they saw it. Apparently the Ranger got around.
I don’t think I ever remember the Ranger killing anyone. Hell, I am not sure I even remember him shooting anyone. He stayed hid in the rocks most of the time letting Tonto do the leg work. Yet, when the outlaws heard that he was about that was all it took. They saddled up and rode out of town as if their head was on fire and their ass was catching. Could it be they feared what the Ranger really wanted to do with them if he caught them?
I guess the thing that seals the deal is the mask. I have seen similar masks in pictures from the Mardi Gras celebrations in New Orleans each year, and I must say that the dudes wearing them might have had questionable sexual preferences known only to someone like the Ranger who is obviously fond of the mask. The Ranger always said that he wore the mask to guard the secrecy of his identity. Does that mean that he could not afford for folks to know who he was based on the behavior he was engaging in while in uniform and character. I am not sure but likely, only Tonto and a handful of outlaws know the true identity and ways of the “Masked Man”.
For me, I must admit the evidence is strong although a good defense attorney would argue that it is merely circumstantial and without the testimony of Tonto, we just do not have a case. I keep revisiting the items that I have considered and discussed above. I roll them around in my head and try to find the answer. It just will not come. Unfortunately, while exhibiting much circumstantial influence, the Ranger never really played his hand in a way that would tip us off. With that in mind, I now find myself wondering just what it was that June Cleaver was talking about when she said, “Ward, I think there is something wrong with the Beaver.”
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@BetteMachete...it's purely circumstantial! LOL! WB
OMG if you don't get a blizzard out of this, there's something wrong! Wait a minute... how well do you know Stan? That diamond bit had me on the floor!!!
Wayne, this is a stellar entry. I think you have a serious shot at the grand prize. And adding the multi-media element scores you some bonus points. The fact that BetteMachete is confused and somewhat stunned by it adds even more fuel to the fire. Great job. And for those reading who want to enter the contest (three dollar grand prize!) go to http://www.hubpages.com/hub/Killer-Ideas-for-Your-
Okay I've picked myself off the floor, my gut hurts, I almost piss$# my pants and now I'm coming back to re-read this funniest hub I've ever read from Wayne Brown.
But seriously Wayne you and Stan should team up and hit the comedy road. Although I would be careful Stan has those roots and his Tonto may come out and both of you would have to guard your chaps.
I would hide the saddle lubricant to for fear of it getting into slippery places:0)
.....nothing wrong with being 'gay' is there?????
....there was a time when men were carefree, happy and gay .....the same feeling I always get when I visit your pages of hub .....and it's not like I'm bending over to pick up a bar of soap or anything lol lol lol....... I just like to feel like a free spirit and your writing always sets my spirits free .......
@SilverGenes...Like that one about the goat, huh? Stan threw down the gauntlet and I had to respond. It must have taken all of five minutes to write it. I guess it was there lurking just waiting to get out! LOL! WB
@Stan Fletcher....Thank you sir! I know that I am an early entry so don't let me get lost in the riff raff. I need that Blizzard! LOL! WB
@saddlerider1....That good huh? Glad I come bring you to that point with my analogy. You see what happens when there's a real prize at stake! LOL! WB
@epigramman....No position paper here epi! I was just simply offering my opinion to the question being asked as whether or not the Lone Ranger was...I am afraid it will forever be a conondrum in the halls of black & white television. Thanks much for the good words and I am glad that I can provide a healing elixir for your at times! WB
In my youth as a fellow baby boomer, I mistakenly thought he was "The Long Ranger". Maybe, even then, I had an intuitive inkling. Along those lines, I thought his Indian companion was "Kemo Sabi", which I now assume means "friend with perks". Hilarious read, but I am now wondering if the precise, fashion forward critque of the garb you so vividly described casts some light on your mysteries, Wayne Brown.
OMG, what a week-end of revelation...The Lone Ranger and possibly Sherlock Holmes are both gay. Okay. it's fine...
You are running one of my heros. Tread lightly.
He's too tough to be gay.
Keep on hubbing!
@Amy Becherer...I didn't know there were mysteries about me! Could it be my demonstrated fashion sense in writing "White Shoe Syndrome now coupled with my opine on the Ranger's garb...people must ask me more questions and clear these things up! LOL! WB
@breakfastpop...I remember one time Johnny Carson asked Michael Landon (Little Joe on Bonanza)if the Cartwrights were gay. Michael's reply was "No, but thank God HopSing was!" LOL! WB
@eovery...As stated earlier...it's pure speculation as the evidence is only circumstantial without a come clean testimony from his trusty companion! LOL! WB
Okay, buddy. The heat is on now. That blizzard is MINE! I better go suck up to the judge.
Wayne,
It's a possibility that the Lone Ranger was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that to quote Seinfeld!!!!!!!!!!!
Wayne,
"Me thinks thou doust protest too much"!
Of course the Lone Ranger didn't kill anyone. Neither did Hop Along or Roy. They all aimed at the gun in the bad guy's hand...never inflicted more than a "flesh wound". Kids were watching.
The Ranger's outfit was just another weapon...simply dis-arming!
You know Robin Hood wore tights, and Zorro was awfully good with that whip. And I don't want to get into Lash La Rue.
Best to just take these iconic at face value.
I'm still wondering why Superman wore his underwear on the outside of his tights.
CP
Wayne, Stan Fletcher is an idiot. My friend's and I watched every episode. Stan is obviously looking for attention.
Since Stan seems to equate everything with being gay, maybe he is putting himself into the article.
Chicago bon, and reared Clayton Moore did not make choices. As an actor he is told what to wear, the horse to ride, what to say & do. He just acts. This was purely an attempt to change a wonderful characters past. H
@lisapreston...keep your little writer fingers off my Blizzard, Lisa. I'm workin' hard to win and throwing one of my childhood heroes under the bus to do it! LOL! WB
@Tom Whitworth...Tom, you latched right on to the essence of this piece....you go one quick mind my friend! WB
@Christopher Price....Gee Chris, you're scaring me with all these observations...now I feel surrounded! LOL. Thanks for playing along...I appreciate! WB
@Harvey Stelman...It's all tongue in cheek Harv...I'm just throwing the Ranger under the bus to get my hands on that DQ Blizzard before Lisa Preston takes it! LOL! WB
He is merely a creation of a writer - a character with the purpose to reveal a message a writer wants to transfer. The reader/viewer has to identify in some way with any character in order to keep on reading/watching in order to receive any messages.
I was never able to identify with cowboys, so I’ve never watch cowboy movies and thus never receive any messages authors of that genre tried to send to others.
The only thoughts that came up while I read your hub about the Lone Ranger was: “He was quite eccentric... indeed lonely.... inherent good... always ready to safe the underdog and to outwit damn bullies....”
To be honest, I don’t care what he, or anybody, weather a real person or a character in a movie, does and doesn’t do where he/she can’t annoy, offend, shock, hurt or scandalize me or any of my loved-ones.
Thanks for a thought-provoking, well-written hub! Voted UP!
By the way, who is Stan Fletcher?
Kemo Sabe means "Who Knows?" Which is quite true for both of them.
I didn't realize diamonds came from goats! Amazing, I have a couple of acres, to put some goats on. Where do I get the diamond producing ones?
The Lone Ranger was never alone, he always had his faithful Indian companion. I think you and Stan are right. he was gay and I vote you in for the DQ shake.
I have my doubts about Tarzan too. At the very least, bestiality was on his mind.
I always get way more than I bargained for when I come into these parts. lol. Absolutely a great hub—and I totally agree about your assertion of Stan having a sick mind. I believe he may even be certifiable. As for me, I shall be busy for the next couple of days pondering exactly HOW DOES a diamond shine in a goat's ass?
Keep on hubbing!
@Martie Coetser...that sounds reasonable to me. It certainly weighs in right up there with any circumstantial evidence in terms of clothing or actions! Thanks for the good words, Martie. PS- Stan Fletcher and I go way back to my early days on the Hub. He was one of my first fans. He writes a lot in the humorous vein...you'll find him on the Hub under that name or look in my list of fans and click on his pic. WB
@Austinstar...Well at least one person buys my circumstantial logic and is pulling for me to claim the prize! Thanks. WB
@Springboard...We always try to give great value for the Spring! LOL! Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the good words! WB
Harvey -
1. This is all a joke. Of course I'm looking for attention. :) I'm a comedy writer. Not everyone thinks I'm funny. I have to live with that. "Attention" for a writer can be translated "readers". I like as many of those as possible.
2. If you'll read the original post from whence this idea came, you'll see that the suggested title was, "Was the Lone Ranger Gay?" I didn't imply that he was or wasn't, and furthermore, I couldn't care less.
3. Wayne wrote a great tongue-in-cheek piece on the subject.
4. I watched every single episode of the Lone Ranger myself. (And I don't in a million years think he's gay.) One of the many paths that one can travel on the road to humor is to put forth a ridiculous and unbelievebale premise. The Lone Ranger was the most masculine figure that popped into my head in the 5 minute period of time that it took me to write the original piece.
4. I'm a lot of things, some good and some bad, but I'm not an idiot.
5. I question someone's sense of humor who posts serious responses to obviously ridiculous hubs. Having to explain humor is a sure way to kill it.
6. Because I'm a nice guy with a conscience, I'm truly sorry to have offended you. I mean that.
To clear things up, the original post is at http://www.hubpages.com/hubs/Killer-Ideas-for-Your
@Stan Fletcher...thanks for the response and clearing things up Stan. Its appreciated! WB
Wayne, this was hilarious! I loved what you did with the description of the clothing and the sharing ot the campfire Thanks for a fun read!
Oh geez, this is great! You made me laugh out loud in the real, Wayne. I shall never hear the name of the character or beloved show again w/out a sporting a smirk on my face.
Great piece, Wayne, if you'll pardon the expression. Of course the Lone Ranger was gay. My extensive research has indicated (as I shared with Stan) that Tonto's constant refrain, "Kemo sabe," translates to: "Not tonight!"
OMG you just killed the Lone Ranger for me. I always knew that the Beaver was a little Pu***y but come on the Lone Ranger? Wow gotta give it to ya, this is hilarious. Cheers.
@mysterylady 89....Glad you enjoyed it. It takes practice to sleep double on a single saddle! LOL! WB
@poetvix...Glad to hear the "laugh out loud" part...that always means it caught you by surprise! Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the great comments! WB
@drbj...Thanks much...Now I know why my wife keeps using that term! LOL! WB
@ladyjane1...Sorry, don't jump to any conclusions. Afterall, the evidence is purely circumstantial and I am afraid we must ask the jury to base their findings beyond a reasonable doubt! LOL. Thanks for the good words. WB
Totally well written even if tongue in cheek - and I'm beginning to think that EVERYONE is gay these days. I love the silver bullets being passed out as a calling card with flash.
I do remember the Lone Ranger shooting his gun but never at anyone - maybe he wanted to go and get the bullets and regift them!
Too clever Wayne and thanks for an early morning chuckle with my coffee. Love BJ's translation for us. I guess we'll have to start looking more closely at the reruns of Roy Rogers - just because he had a token woman doesn't mean he didn't have a little lean 'that way' himself!
@akirchner...Yes, Audrey..I made the same comment to a friend yesterday regarding Roy Rogers....that saddle and bridle that Trigger wore was a bit over the top! You also might remember all that embrodiery around the pocket of his tight pants, etc. Chilling circumstantial evidence at work again! LOL! WB
Aw, c'mon, anyone who has their horse named "Trigger" stuffed for posterity can't possibly be gay! Wait a minute, Trigger was a Pal-O-Mine-O. Roy may have to answer for that one.
@Austinstar...maybe the guy down at the saddle shop could help us out! LOL! This could take off much like the conspiracy theories surrounding the Kennedy assassination! LOL! WB
I mean, add it up . . . silver bullets, opera mask, "Hi ho Silver" . . . hel-lo! The prosecution rests, Your Honor.
Wayne Brown, if I hadn't already thrown in my lot (not to mention my "Dead Kitten" hubpoem) with nicomp, I'd totally be backing you.
PS - CHILL, Harvey Stelman. Yikes!
L.T.
@ltfawkes...Thanks for the support. Since OJ got away on circumstantial evidence, I figured that we didn't have a chance for a conviction! LOL! WB
Dude, you should win just on the merits of "guy must have shined like a diamond in a goat’s ass." What can anyone else possibly write that is going to be funnier than that? Seriously hilarious. I'm with Ltfawkes on this, if I wasn't in with the cat thing, I'd be with you on this one (her's is genius BTW, don't let her fool you.)
@Shadesbreath...I appreciate the good words...this one just came to me almost as quickly as I read the title on Stan's hub. I am heading over to check out LT's entry! Thanks much! WB
He liked to dress up a lot too in other costumes with a fake beard. He never kissed the women or drank whiskey, but he could fight and shoot those guns. Hey, June Cleaver just died, Barabara Billingsly.
@ralwus...That's right...he kept several disguises in that one set of silver embellished saddlebags. The facial hair was crap too the best I remember. Too bad...Mama Cleaver is gone RIP! WB
Terrific! The fashion comments are absolutely right.
I am so glad I wrote mine before I read yours or I would have borrowed some of your ideas.
@Charles James...I'll have check it out, Charles. Thanks for the the read and the good words! WB
Wayne
Congratulations on *1, Page 1 on Google!
Charles
@Charles James....Who'd A Thunk It! Wow! That should get me some abuse. Thanks for heads up Charles! WB
Hello?
As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.
May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?
Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)
@De Greek....I was elated to hear that my humble little submission was still in the running for the grand prize which I would treasure greatly. As you might notice, I am beside myself with excitement and anticipation that finally I might receive some recognition from somethat that I have written. This could be my big break and I certainly want to make the most of it! Your suggestion of a contribution alarmed at first as I sensed an intent to bribe. Luckily, after reading further into your correspondence, I saw that your intention was a simple committment to a charitable contribution. What could be better? After all, something good must come from a community effort like this one. And while it has always been my intention to cure world hunger then impose world peace, I certainly could settle for a DQ blizzard and a small fries and a more than generous form of recognition for my penmanship. I will rush down to the post office and get money order in process. Thank you so much for this timely notification that I was still in the hunt! LOL! WB
This writer truely believes in " gender double standards" , at least as far as fashion freedom is concerned ; I am sure he has never written an article accussing females of being overwhelmingly " gay ", aka, lesbian for their perponderence the last 45 years of cross-dressing/transvestism for wearing pants( tuxedos,pantsuits, dress shirts, wingtip shoes, boots ,etc. ) in general and blue jeans in particular almost 24/7 ever since. According to this gender bigot ; any menswear that is either fancy or tight fitting or both makes the man " gay "or is now considered officially " womenwear " .
@Warren O'Leary...Hi Ho Silver! Warren...I hope I didn't hit a nerve...it's tongue in cheek time! WB
Well, that settles it. I always wondered as a kid why Tonto and the Ranger never rescued damsels or talked about their women. "shined like a diamond in a goat’s ass." You have to let me borrow that one! Awesome.
@A.A. Zavala...Do what you will with it AA...I stole it myself! LOL! Yep, some things take a while for us gents to come to terms with! Thanks for the good words. WB
Interesting hub...
I think I will write a rebuttal...
hey...after all, when I was growing up there was God, My Dad and then The Lone Ranger.
Your walking on thin ice here Wayne...Remember the 11th Commandment passed down to Moses from God, "Thou shall not trample on The Lone Rangers Name"
@Janna Jones....you made me laugh out loud! I remember all that stuff so well and it is so true! Thanks for the great comments! WB
Warren O'Leary - One of the sure signs that a person doesn't have a sense of humor is when they write a serious comment in response to an obviously tongue in cheek hub. Wayne was too kind in his response to you, but Wayne is a heck of a nice guy. I'll hold my tongue, but you have exposed yourself as a stick in the mud. Take your meds.
@Stan Fletcher...Thumbs up Dude! Thanks much! WB
@Stan Fletcher...Thumbs up Dude! Thanks much! WB
Wayne, now that you mention it, they do make up 1/3 of the Village People. The cowboy and the indian.....hmmmmmmmm, now it is all starting to make sense now.
seriously, this was great...I give you props on this one.
:)
@CMerritt....Yeah! Let's hear it, arms in the air....Y M C A! I had not thought of that or I would have included it in the evidence....strong stuff that might have put the case over the top! LOL! WB
WB - This one is very funny! If you won the Blizzard, I hope you got to select the flavors/mixin's!
@Truckstop Sally...I never saw an announcement as to who won. I suspect that Stan slipped out in the dark of night and satisfied his own cravings with the prize...oh well, it was fun anyway! Thanks. WB
I realize I'm way "behind" in reading this - omg!! Do you know what it's like to be sitting in your living room - reading something like this while you are alone with two very wise parrots? Every time I laughed like a crazy person - the wise ass birds would each take a turn to mock me!! You had me rolflmao! And two parrots!
@RealHousewife...That's about the most unique audience I have ever had...a good-looking woman and two parrots loving your funny stories...whatmore could I ask for? Thanks much! LOL! WB
REALly now! And hey hey hey - I realized while watching the video that you are a cowboy and I am an Indian:-) that thought even gave me a chuckle:-). I just thought - how can you get sooo many funny cracks in - in just one hub??? Good work cowboy!
It was bound to happen ....... someone with far too much time on his hands has finally bashed an American icon. Am not surprised to find that so many of you actually thought this crap was funny. Hey Wayne ...... how soon till you do an article suggesting WILL may actually be straight. LOL.... LOL....LOL !!!!!
@RealHousewife...I always say that I can empathize more with Tonto because my wife wears a sleep mask to bed with the phrase "Not Likely" imprinted on it. All I can say is "good night Kemo Saba". Telephone connects are poor up here in Colorado with AT&T so my comments are way behind...back home on Monday PM.
Oh I forgot! Have a fantastic trip and I know how much you will enjoy visiting your family!
@TomChain....Stan Fletcher comes up with some real subjects! Will might hunt us down if we start speculating about him. LOL! WB
Funny, and worth the price of admission just to hear the William Tell Overture played on a banjo! :D Next you'll be telling me Batman & Robin are gay (or would that be redundant?)
Voted up and funny! :)
@Justsuzanne...Well, they did seem to like each other a lot and they lived together...too much of a reach! LOL...Thank you. Glad you had fun with this one! WB
Great and hysterical article.
@sligobay...Thank you...so glad you enjoyed this piece. WB
Can you imagine if the Lone Ranger were Gay... all those macho men got their butts kicked by a man who shone like a diamond in a goats ass.... hahahahah... he did certainly sparkle in comparison to John and Festus. A well written mockumentary on a childhood hero.
@davenmidtown...Yes that is a funny thought...thanks for read and the comments. WB
Wayne, you are super talented in the way you debated this topic. A fun filled hub for sure. I love to watch the old classic westerns. They have inspired me to write fiction of my own. You just can't beat a good western drama.
@Diana Lee...Thank you, Diana. I have the utmost respect for Clayton Moore and his character as well as Tonto. This was all tongue-in-cheek written for a contest for Stan Fletcher. I think the grand prize was a Dairy Queen Blizzard and a package of fries (small). Unfortunately, I didn't win but I think I gave it a good try. Thanks much! WB
I just found this, Wayne. Too funny - thanks for the fun read. Rated up!
@suziecat7...Unfotunately it did not win the contest but it sure earned me some praise which is better than a DQ Blizzard and a small fries. Thanks much! WB
BetteMachete 19 months ago
Im not sure what to make of this!